I was lifted out of the mire of my everyday life and given honor and value and I had never felt so gorgeous in all my life.īut, it was all false. And being with this man was like a dream. I was prostituting myself, selling off images and words to gain the favor of this man. I would have sold any trinket or priceless treasure to have another hit of that drug. And with this man, I felt gloriously stunning. I had titled myself the Ugly Duckling for so very long. I was desperate to be seen as someone “worthy”, someone of value. Participating in this affair was a drug to me. For better or worse, there always will be. Together, they will allow you to succeed and move on graciously from your failures in ways you never thought possible. She is overseen by the incredible Lady Wisdom. But Experience cannot teach a course all her own. But, if you try to keep her lessons as bay, she will whoop you beyond recognition. Oh, but how we learn vastly more from failures! The School of Hard Knocks has a harsh teacher known as Experience, and if you are humble and open to it, she’ll be a grand companion. To be a “good little Christian” and not fail. And then allow the Great Physician to come and heal in ways that only He can.įor most of my life, I have tried very hard to not mess up. Darkness resides there, and believe me, it thrives there in secret.īest to shine a Light on it and have it shown for the grotesque mess that it actually is. Oh, you’ve never heard of trying to keep sin out of the church so that it appears to be all clean and full of happy people? Well…you should probably look more carefully at your own places of worship. I fell victim to one of the classic blunders! “Cheat on your husband with his best friend, the campus pastor!” but only slightly less well known is this, “Trying to keep it secret so The Bride doesn’t look like a fuck up.” My partner in crime was-no is-a minister. I am speaking of the real life, dramady of a Kardashian. No, this isn’t a metaphor about my sin against God. You want to know a secret? Come close… *whispering* I am guilty of adultery. Jackson says in that delightful epic Jurassic Park, “Hold on to your butts.” It’s gonna be a bumpy ride… And that would be a terrifying place to be.Īre you ready to dive into my story? As Samuel L. If I tried to hide my story, then I would be robbing God of His Grace. I am learning to boldly allow them to be shown-not to be arrogant in my sin, but for the complete and utter Glory of God. I am learning to not be ashamed of those scars. Some from harm done to me most from my own selfish choosing. I bare (bear?) many scars from wounds in my life. There are forces, deep, dark and ancient, working night and day to keep my story silenced. ![]() Yes, that jives much more with my idea of Hell than the pitchfork-wielding, potbellied demon hole Lucifer would have us believe in. ![]() Silenced and unremembered for all of eternity. In my opinion, to silence someone is to do them greater harm than actually taking their life.Ī friend has told me that his idea of Hell is not some lake of eternal fire with an extremely high temperature. ![]() It can murder, this word it can do great harm. “Silence!” shouted out with authority can quiet a mob. Kind of a Star Wars thing… So we will call this episode IV, right? So, instead, I have decided to start with the present. But, really I’m still sorting out the beginning of my own story. My instinct when telling a story is to start at the beginning. Not only for myself, but even for those who take the time to journey with me in this-that means *you*, dear reader! Rather like my life has been seen through a fog, or a haze, and now through the process of writing out my story, I am attempting to solidify things, to bring clarity and healing. I believe I have been living far outside of my story for a while now kind of trying to be a bystander or some sort of casual observer. So I am asking for you to tread carefully into my story, and give me grace as I share it with vulnerability. And that the Author and Perfector of my story isn’t finished with me yet. To tell it with humility and grace towards myself, and with the understanding that the final chapter has not yet been written. A vital piece of this journey into darkness for me will be to tell my story.
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